REMEMBERING MY TATAY

Dada.... Daddy.... Papa..... Tatay.....
These are only some of the terms we call our fathers, the other half of the couple that made possible for our very own existence. He's the one who together with our mothers have painstakingly sacrificed all of their own just to make sure their children are okay.

While most of the people celebrated Father's Day last Sunday, I could not. My eyes were almost always about to shed a tear in the entirety of the day. Not just because I am not feeling well but also because with that special day, I just remembered my beloved father. I promised not to cry during the day but I could not. The past month or so was just painful and sad. May 6 was the day he died. May 10 was when he was brought to his final resting place. June 10 was his birthday - first time he's not with us. And then June 19 was this year's Father's Day.

Tatay may have not been the picture perfect dad, but he was more than enough. I missed everything about him - from his jokes, his laughs, his sometimes differing views with most of us, his sweet thoughts, his friendly ways to people and his love for all of us especially my nanay. Well, as I am writing this, my tears are falling endlessly. I was not there when he died. I wished I was with him. I know he knows that I love him but it could've meant much more if I was able to utter it and him to hear it. A big chunk of our hearts is still hurting and trying to mend. His loss was something we never pictured to come this early.

Ganun pala kapag nawawalan kayo ng mahal sa buhay. Kahit paulit-ulit ninyong sabihin sa sarili na handa na kayo, pag nandya na hindi pa pala... It will be a long way before we can actually fully recover. But I am staring to. Letting him go was a better choice. At least, he won't be suffering more. He's now in peace. It would be difficult to let go of such a wonderful person but I guess it is time. I'll see you when the time comes. I will only let go but will not forget.

"Tatay, kung nasaan man kayo, gusto kong ulitin sa inyo na MAHAL NA MAHAL KO KAYO. Hindi ko makakalimutan lahat ng mga itinuro ninyo sa amin. Sana'y patuloy ninyo kaming bantayan lalo na po si nanay...."

DREAM... NIGHTMARE...REALITY... LIFE...

Four big words that has actually made a big part of me in the past 2 years. Dream... Nightmare... Reality... Life...

I am a relative dreamer. The stars seems to always fascinate me. I love to go up and be known, be famous, be affluent and become the best in my chosen field. I was way up there and doing fine when I was working with this wonderful company before. For people who has known me for quite a while, they know what company it is. All the stuff are going my way. I am paid really good and I have lots of other benefits that really flooded me everyday. It was happy and wonderful. Never thought that all of which can be zapped into oblivion. DREAM

My health and my parent's health as well failed me. They are sickly but I could not do anything as I became sickly as well. I lost a career. My road to success did not just got a u-turn but a complete road bloak along the way. It struck me that no one knows if he/she is gonna be hit by sickness. There I was - painfully trapped into a heart ailment. I could see everything fading away. I have lost a lot - friends, money, self-belief and all. My debt started to pile up and got tangled into a lot of financial woes. It was the worst that it could get. NIGHTMARE

I fought my way to go out of my sickness. I went into a series of therapies and thankfully has been given a new breath of life. But recovery was rather painful and difficult. With only the few trusted ones beside me and the dwindling cash on hand, all I could do is scuttle my way back and try to live each day as it pass by. REALITY

Struggles here and there, tears, pain... Name it and I experiences it in the past 2 years. The year 2010 is nearing its close and I hope the new year will spell a new brightness into my shrouded life. Oftentimes I want to give up but my family, my best friend and some of the few people I am close constantly help and make their way to ensure I'll be fine. I'm getting by the day - channeling my energy into writing and doing things that I like while I try to get back to work. That's the beauty of it, we get to the top, we fall to the bottom, sometimes even falling deeper than the rear but there's always chance to go up once again. LIFE

OBLIVIATE: IF ONLY I COULD

Yes, if only I could I would have already made this spell - to erase all memories and to make people forget.

I want to wake up one day without nothing - a true start from scratch. I am willing to give up everything just to make a brand new life - a fresh beginning. It was rather a difficult two years and somehow I am slowly losing the will to survive, the strength to carry on, the hope for a better day. I have tried my best to live anew but each day has turned into bigger challenges - sometimes unfathomable, oftentimes very difficult. A lot of people say I am strong but strength depletes. I am just a human being - prone to breakdowns, fatigue and tears. I don't wanna live another day with false hopes. It's just gonna haunt me forever. What has happened in the past 2 years? I don't know. All I know was that it continue raining down on me. My body, my mind and my soul want to give up. If only I could cast a spell, then I would.

Obliviate....

Photo Credits: http://sensitivelight.com/

TEARS AND CRIES

It just hit me when I saw this post from one of my friends in Facebook. "No one is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry." This is indeed true. We should not have ourselves cry too much for just a single person. if that person really loves us, he or she will have the conscious effort of trying not to make us weep.

Many might argue that they will be there even if they make you cry and will just comfort you in times of pain. But for me, why make people you love cry when you can make them happy all the time. I don't believe it is impossible. The main idea of love itself is enough to bring about smiles. If you really love and value a person they should never shed a tear. For if they do, then the pureness of the emotion is tarnished. Tears dry up and disappear but the pain caused by the weeps remain for so long.

FOR ALL OF MY LIFE: MY SISTER'S WEDDING

"For All Of My Life" is the song that has been a big part of their lives. For my sister, Rose and her new hubby Ryan, all I could see is happiness. They are both brimming with smiles and I could not help but be happy for them as well. November 17, 2010 marked their union through civil wedding and it will be the start of a life of togetherness.

I was in the civil wedding ang got a lot of things learned from the presiding judge. He told that MONEY should never be a part of one's relationship as usually it just tends to complicate things between couples. It is compelling that he told that MONEY is just an acronym - Momentarily Owned Not Eternally Yours. Wow, that truly shows something that being rich and getting a better financial standing will not merit a successful marriage. It is love and devotion, trust and respect. He has told a lot more about success, love, reasons and all. Truly marriage is a special contract - no expiration dates, only bounded by love!

To Ate Rose and Kuya Ryan, congratulations. May God continously bless you both. I know you both love each other much. Kakainggit! =)

STOP

I like the fast pace of life in general. I usually find idle time boring and uncalled for. Being on the go and making myself available on any activity is usually my cup of tea. But recently I have come to a point where I actually don't know what to do anymore. Bummer... Wow, I never thought it would occur to me ever.

So I stopped, paused and let everything in motion take a break. I felt the warmth of the sun touching my skin. I heaved a nice breath and smelled the things around me. Ijust sat down and took a break. With eyes wide shut, all I did was rest. I have never expected it to be this nice. I never thought taking a breather is all the worthwhile. I couldn't believe not doing anything is surreal.

After that, it seemed as if my mind cleared a bit. Then I opened my eyes and stared at the beauty around me. Life is indeed wonderful and I am lucky to be given this gift. Now, the pause is over. Time to make and experience more things. Time to continue loving, sharing, living and smiling. Thanks for the momentary stop.

CHILEAN MINERS: STRENGTH AND WILL TO SURVIVE

The human spirit was again tested and yet has been proven to withstand any obstacle.

69 days after their disastrous trapping in one of the mines of Chile, miners are now one by one being rescued and extracted from the mine that collapsed. Truly amazing! It makes me wonder once more on the real power of mankind. These guys have shown great strength and will to survive. They have been pure examples of hope. For others, being down there for that long might be the end already but these miners have their hopes high and their beliefs that they will be rescued. As of writing, 4 miners out of the 33 has been successfully rescued already.

The scenes on TV are emotional and heartwarming. It uplifts spirits and it actually brought me to tears. Struggles are but part of men's life and that there are times like this when everything seem to have crashed but one should not lose hope. There is still light at the end of the tunnel though sometimes you don't know how far the end of tunnel may be. These Chilean miners are great examples of men's strength. May all of those trapped in there be rescued already for their lives to return to normal.

EYES ON HEAVEN

One night, I was about to go to bed but could barely get to sleep. My eyes won't shut and my mind just won't rest. It seems like the day does not want to end. It was a day full of thinking and a whole lot of thoughts have crowded my already full and tired mind.

And then I looked outside and peaked through the window pane. There I saw the heavens and it was all red. I was left staring at the redness of the heavens covered by the darkness and fullness of the clouds. As if it was about to rain and the heavens have been by my side in this very time of distraught and chaos.

There I was looking and constantly staring at blankness. If only I could change things, then I would. But I can't. I'm still here on earth battling on and hoping the heavens will soon make its beautiful sunrise greeting. I did not notice how long the stares were. All I knew was the next thing I know was it was already morning.

2013… 30…

2013… 30…
By Bluecloud

The past few years have been really challenges and have caught its toll on me. As of now, I try to regroup, I try to rebuild and start anew. It seems as if I am picking up pieces of a puzzle scattered all over or I am restacking the building blocks that once was there and has already collapsed.

It would difficult but I want to start my life anew. My target would be 2013 – 3 years from now. On the time in between that and now, I’ll try to regain everything I have lost. I would patch up all holes and try my best to seize each and every opportunity. I only need a chance to begin once more. By that year I am already 30 and 3 decades full of life may be enough to really get back on track.

The wrongs will be corrected. The dreams will again be foreseen. And the hope and faith will continuously grow to enable a rise of a better me.

So 2013, please hang tight while waiting for me. For once we meet, I would ensure things would be better.

VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA: A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA
A Blessing or a Curse?
by Bluecloud

It was a nice day in 2008 – February 22, 2008 to be exact. But the day did not end the way it started when suddenly I felt a severe pinch in my heart, then I felt numbness and I became dizzy. That prompted me to go get to the hospital. By then the doctor noticed an odd pattern in my heart. It was beating rather fast and the beating patterns were erratic. That has prompted me to go for a full medical check-up. And then the big bomb – I have this heart ailment called ventricular tachycardia.

Ventricular tachycardia is a heart condition characterized by fast heartbeat caused by irregular tissues which formed in the heart. These arrhythmia tissues cause the heart to beat fast and irregular. A normal heart beats at around 60-90 bpm. One who suffers from ventricular tachycardia has it at 100-400 bpm. During that time mine was beating at 150-160 bpm. The doctor said that it has no cure but there are ways to alleviate the effects of the condition.

It was for more than 2 years that I have it in me. But during the initial stages no one even noticed. I guess I managed to keep the smiles despite my condition. Each and every day was an utter challenge to survive. There are times I had difficulty breathing. Times were also there that I experience severe chest pain. Shocking as it may seem, I also experienced profuse bleeding – yup profuse as in overflowing of blood coming out of my nose, my mouth and sometimes even I poop. There were a lot of medications, endless tests, injections. How hard can it be? I thought that was only it but it was only the beginning.

Then came the news that I am only to live for 2 more years. My mind crashed as my body started deteriorating. My health was slowly degrading and my strength slowly fading. I had to give up a lot of things from my job, my luxuries and a whole lot of stuff. On the process, I lost a lot as well – FINANCES, CAREER, DREAMS, SOME FRIENDS, LUXURIES and the STRENGTH TO SURVIVE. There were times that I question HIM for giving me this. I felt that it was a whole lot of burden and I even came close to giving up. There were days when I felt that living is difficult and even blinking, seeing and breathing life is hard. Tears are my constant companion and hurt is my regular friend.

During those times, I seek refuge. And there I saw that not all were lost. I found the value of the things that were left – the things that never parted. My family was there through it all. My true friends stuck with me in the midst of all troubles. I found strength once again by renewing my faith in HIM. From there I rediscovered the language of hope and love. And that I must go on and live my life.

I underwent the last series of therapies recently and now slowly recovering. My heart beat is down to a much more stable range of 90-100 bpm. The road to recovery is quite daunting. I know I have a lot to do in able to get back on track. But the good thing is I am given a chance to live a second life. I’m keeping a positive look on life and hoping that things would soon be better. Starting from scratch would be a challenge but after all I have experienced, I am not a fool that’s gonna give up now? Now I see that it was not after all a curse but a blessing to even make me stronger and live a better life.

QUICKSAND

It has been tough and it remains to be...

What I feel is like I am in a quicksand. I am there for quite some time. My body is slowly being immersed to the void of the sand - little by little taking me out of sight. I struggle and continue to fight on. But to no avail. As I try to snag out of the quicksan I am only pushed further. One inch of a move outs me down 2 inches lower. I am trying my best to get out of the mess but as I push further that further I sink.

What can I do? What will I do. Maybe, all I have to do is stay and try to see what happens. Painful but it might be the only way around. I just need to continuously hope that the end is really near. I hope it would stop soon.

ARE YOU REALLY JUST 40%?

Are You Really Just 40%?

by Bluecloud

Decisions should be made. Choices should be done. But a lot of things need to be considered. Each one should be carefully weighed. Which ones are more compelling? Which of the options is better than the other?

On each day of our lives we are trapped with making decisions. It’s usually this or that. We can never choose both. We have to at least pick one and make the most out of that choice. Before making choices, we tend to lay down all the cards. The pros and the cons are equally laid to see which outweighs the other.

Is there a need to go? What holds me from going? I guess I know you are a big part of that. The fear that happiness may not be there is quite daunting. I’ll never leave for a place I know that I won’t be happy. Leaving has always been an option but the idea of not having to go really heightens. I don’t want to leave since because of various reasons – 30% is the uncertainty of life, 30% is family and 40% is YOU. But are you really just 40%? Maybe I’m just fooling myself that you are just 40 well indeed you are something more. Or maybe, just maybe, you’re the only reason why I can’t….

ONE LETTER: CHANCE

I recently bumped into someone new in my life…

Of course like what normal people who just met do, we talked and got to know each other’s basic info – name, age, etc…

But I have never thought that my life would change in a drastic way with this new found friend. I was shown how important I am. I was made to feel I am special. Never has a day passed that I was not happy. I found a new breather in life. For some people, they might not understand. I am different, as I always tell people, I am eccentric. I am someone who’s always out of the box. I have made a strong face in front of a lot of people. I want to make people believe that I am not weak and I can handle everything. But this someone has made me realize that it is normal to feel fragile sometimes – that crying is part of life and it is totally normal. I, for most of my life have been accustomed to being lonely. I was actually looking at it as if I was born to live a lonesome life. My friend slowly but surely pulled me off from the dark cave I am hiding. At first I was hesitant but I gave in. Never in my life have I been shown so much trust, care, love and respect. It is an emotional rollercoaster but I am willing to give it a ride each time. I am starting a new life and I know things will just keep on getting better. Why? because my friend is here with me all the way… My rollercoaster ride suddenly became more special ever since my friend came along. It is still indeed a rollercoaster but I know it’ll be safer, it’ll be more fun, it’ll be better and this time around I hope it never stops…

WHAT IF THE BEST OPTION IS DYING?

What if the best option given is dying? Would you take what's best or just settle for a life in endless sadness? In these instances, can anything get any worse?

In our lives, we are oftentimes given at least two choices. But what if it comes to a point that the 2 choices laid down to us are choices we rather not choose? Being given the chance to choose between endless sadness or death, I would take death at any note, any time. In death the pain stops, the hurt ends. We find eternal peace in death as finally we'll get a chance to be with HIM. We may be exiting our human bodies but that's only the thing will be leaving behind. I believe that after life we'll have so much more. Only in HIM we must believe and never be afraid of the face of death. Die and thou shall be resurrected.

DO I KNOW ME?

DO I KNOW ME?
by Bluecloud

I am nice… I am good… I am a happy person… Oh really?

There are things we thought we know of ourselves but sometimes we really don’t know them yet. Thus the question, “Do I know me?”. We sometimes mistake ourselves from choosing between who we truly are and who we want be. Most often we set our minds that we are these because we don’t want people to look at us differently. We are afraid of being judged and scrutinized. But does that really matter? What’s wrong with being who you really are?

We are all created as unique individuals – different traits, diverse personalities and varying preferences. What we need is to trust in what we really are. Once we have that trust, it will rub to the people around us. If we know that we are living in this world without doing any harm to others, then we should not fret. Being who you are is something that really takes out all barriers. It is freedom and it is a happy feeling.

So go on and release your true being so that when the time comes that you ask if you really know yourself, your answer is gonna be a definite YES.

BENEATH THE CLOUDS ARE STARS

BENEATH THE CLOUDS ARE STARS
by Bluecloud

What keeps everyone in the dark is not the fact that darkness looms but the reality that it is they, themselves that succumb to the absence of light. Not all see what life truly has to offer. Only those that believe and hope witness the true beauty of life. Sometimes we are shrouded by the dark mists of clouds cast upon us and it is but normal to be afraid. It is human to feel fear and it is but manly to accept that you do fear some things. Even in the darkest days of our lives we should never give up. We should always look up to those dark clouds but not just look at them but look beneath and behind those big lumps of darkness. Because in there - hidden are the stars. And for the stars we breathe hope and when we hope and we believe, we survive. Always remember that stars are just beneath the clouds…..

INNOCENCE FROM A CHILD’S EYE

The sweet smiles of a youngster – emanating from the energy overflowing from the depths of a pure heart… It is oftentimes relaxing and wonderful to see a child – a human project in progress filled with positivity and all the nice things you could imagine. That brimming smile from one’s face spells innocence. That innocence is sometimes what each one of us, adults, desperately search and yearn to get back in us. You can see the simplicity of life from one child’s eyes – clearly saying that life is nice, it is happy to live and everything is gonna be okay. The subtleness of those eyes combined with the sweetness of a child’s smile spells life in its happiest state.

I hope that as each of us grow old, mature and develop into the human projects we are all being processed into, we from time to time revisit and remember our childhood. We must constantly bring out the innocence and purity of one’s heart. It is a wonderful memory for sure. When all seems so peaceful, serene, simple and nice… These memories would give us the necessary energy we need to stay positive and live life as simple as possible. If only we could remain as children… or at least have a continuous grasp of that innocence… If only…

LAUGH BITS

Some funny notes to look at...
I found these items from messaged from friends, FB Shout outs etc...

"Your future depends on your dreams"
--> So go to sleep

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
--> yeah, come to think of it

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours
--> =)

"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?"
--> uhmmm... =)

RAINDROPS..

RAINDROPS...

by Bluecloud

Rain...

As I am left stranded and can't go home because of the heavy outpour from the Heavens, I realized how my life has been in a cloudy mood for some time. Gone were the days when my life was brimming with happiness... energy, fame. luxury, acquaintances... Now they are mere parts of the past... Even if I want to get them all back, I can't - at least for the moment. It would take an enormous amount of effort to retrieve what was once mine. Each and every piece of my old life seemed scattered to different places. I am hoping I could still get them back or maybe at least get a glance at them for one more time...

Rain continues to pour and I am still stuck... Decisions should be made... I want to go home and desperately desire to take refuge. How can I with the amount of rain falling down? I would definitely get wet, drenched and worse soaked... Got to make a stand and decide...

And so I go on and took a step outside, not minding the rain... letting each raindrop fall on me...